So you made a New Year’s resolution to join a gym—that’s terrific…and original. It’s not that I don’t want you to get healthy after years of sedentary, reckless abandon; it’s that while you’re getting your life together, you’re ruining mine.Every January, gyms swell with the newly-resolved; outfitted with new sneakers and US Weekly subscriptions, decked out in some NASA space suit that anticipates sweat before a bead is formed. Easy Buzz Aldrin—some of us spent all year in these here treadmill trenches. Before you go and poke holes in my routine, think about what you’re doing.
1. You’re ruining my life: The gym is my happy place (which is already sad) and you’re keeping me from it. I now have to wait 20-plus minutes to get on a machine, which means I get home later, which means I eat dinner later, which means I come home to another cranky, hungry person, which means we’re eating later, which means we’re sleeping less, which means I’m dragging at work, which means my work is suffering, which means I’m going to get fired and now my unborn kids and I are on the street with beer bellies because we can’t afford to go to mommy’s old gym for some crunches and baby yoga.
2. You look ridiculous: If you’re talking on the phone, reading a magazine and watching TV while “working out,” you’re not working hard enough. And don’t get me started on those webbed shoes—I don’t need to hear why having your toes separated by Nike improves your stride. Trust me, if you are willingly making yourself look like Fred Flinstone, you’ve got bigger issues than your stride. Also, they make you run like a Clydesdale.
3. You’re wasting your money: Odds are, you’ll stop going to the gym by March. But now you’ve got this expensive membership fee every month. Why throw that money away when you could be putting it back into the economy? I dare say it’s your responsibility. Imagine if every person who joined a gym this year—knowing they would eventually quit—put that money toward the deficit. All I’m saying is, be a patriot.
I’m not completely heartless—I do want you to be healthy and happy; so I’m willing to compromise. Let’s start you off on a junior membership; like being redshirted. If you make it through training camp and show promise in the first year, we’ll talk about getting you some playing time next season. Alright champ, good talk…stay off my lawn.