Do you know how old I am? No seriously, tell me. Because I’m approaching that age where I start to forget what my actual age is. (I think it’s 34, unless it’s 43? It could be anywhere in there.) This is a true sign of aging, and it’s definitely showing all over my body, this son-of-a-bitch we call time. Based on the somewhere-between-28-and-50 years I’ve spent on the planet, these are the tips I’ve learned for looking youthful. Just follow them strictly and you’ll look even fresher than my baby son does. Truth be told, even though he’s almost eight months old, it’s a hard eight.

Don’t drink. Don’t smoke.
Pretty much anything fun or cool: skip it. Any sort of life experience is just going to age you because chemicals suck the life out of your face and smiling gives you wrinkles and staying up late gives you bags under your eyes and makes you eat late night burritos which definitely isn’t good for your neck.  

Don’t go outside.
That wrinkle-and-spot-causing sun is outside, as well as toxins and other people and things who might annoy you or delight you and make you smile or frown, all of which will age you. Just stay in. Enjoy the darkness and the paleness.

Don’t stress. Or think.
Just sit there and avoid exposing yourself to news, work, the drama of friends or family or any sort of expectations from yourself or the world. Just chill. Forever. The downside is that nobody will be around to tell you how young you look, but the important thing is that you will know.

Don’t have a baby.
I just saw a picture of myself online that I thought was cute from afar but up close I look like the ghost of Large Marge. I am pretty sure that the baby ate my youthful essence and I expelled it from my body with the placenta. I knew I should have eaten that stupid thing.

Sleep as much as you can.
Go to bed right now. Just pack it up and go to bed, no matter what you’re doing. You want a minimum of 12 hours a night with an extra three hours a day.

But don’t sleep on a soft squishy pillow.
I actually have read this in women’s magazines. You know your down pillow that’s reached the perfect amount of softness and has that great pillow smell that’s so great for turning your face into when the morning sun rears its ugly head? Throw it out. Each time you turn your face into it it’s like you’re doing 60 pounds of meth. Best to sleep on your back with your neck resting on a cool piece of marble. And while you’re at it, wear a bra while you sleep so your boobs don’t age either.

Don’t be thin.
You know who have great cheekbones? Skeletons. And hardly anybody looks older than they do. It’s true, you can choose either your fanny or your face, and I’m starting to think that the smart people out there are choosing the part of their body that is nourished by Oreos and warm french bread.

Die early.
It’s really the only way to get out of this whole thing looking good.

@Zulkey