iPhone 5? Don’t look behind the iCurtain

iPhone 5? Don’t look behind the iCurtain
iPhone 5? Don’t look behind the iCurtain

iPhone 5? Don’t look behind the iCurtain

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News Headline: “Chinese undercover reporter builds iPhone 5, describes ‘nightmare’ factory.”
Please do not concern yourselves with the many reports of Apple sweatshops in China.
Great care is taken by this hip, progressive company.
Rest assured, all the sweat and teardrops are wiped clean from Apple products before packaging and shipping.

News Headline: “Romney’s botched Libya response: Could it cost him the election?”
Of course not.
There has to be a reasonable explanation for his behavior here.
Maybe he was brainwashed.

News Headline: “Obama’s Social Security number challenged.”
And as long as we are at it:
Just what is his shoe size?
Have you ever heard him talk about it?
And you know who else never talks about shoe sizes?
Think about it.

News Item: ”… According to a Rhode Island Hospital study, both red wine and vodka can benefit the heart. Red wine dilates blood vessels, while vodka induces collateral vessels to develop… ."
QT has done the necessary medical research.
There is a cocktail called a brutal hammer.
The recipe: “Mix 5 oz. red wine and 7 oz. vodka with crushed ice in a glass and garnish with mint leaves.”
Just trying to save a few lives here.

The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
A 13-year-old girl who wears special shoes for a foot condition has been told by her school in Tamworth, England, that she will be taught in isolation because her special shoes are not black, as the school uniform requires.

News Headline: “The universe will vanish in 100 billion years.”
News Headline: “Where will we all be in 100 billion years?”
No. If life teaches us anything, it teaches us not plan more than a million years ahead.

Marylou Gadin, a Wilmette reader, regarding QT’s noting that if “retardation” is now to be called “intellectual disability,” then the English Language is one step closer to saying nothing plainly, writes:
“To paraphrase a Chinese proverb: ‘The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.’ “
QT once posed a question to one of the world’s leading rehabilitation physicians, a smart and gentle man:
“What do you call the people you treat? What do they call themselves? Handicapped? Disabled?”
He shot QT an astonished look.
“Crippled. That’s what they are. That’s what they’re trying to deal with.”
But that was 18 years ago.
The language has taken many steps toward becoming more… more… otherly abled.
Even handicapable.

News Headline: “Monk found wandering naked after eating hallucinogenic berries.”
That’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

News Headline: “Upset! La.-Monroe beats No. 8 Arkansas 34-31..”
News Headline: “Betting site refunds Arkansas wagers out of pity.”
Add bookmakers to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.

News Headline: “High-priced F-22 fighter is outdated and unreliable, tests show.”
News Headline: “Romney vows to buy more F-22s.”
Which highlights the trouble with President Obama:
He doesn’t have the right experience to make sound business decisions.

News Headline: “Japanese river otter declared extinct.”
News Headline: “Are the world’s most endangered species even worth saving?”
Is a species that could ask this question worth saving?

News Headline: “McDonald’s to change Hmong billboard after translation error.”
The new billboard is “Yuav txhawb pab rau koj sawv,” as opposed to the original “Yuavtxhawbpabraukojsawv.”
A common enough mistake.

News Headline: “Obama ‘is of the Marxist, socialist root.’ “
News Headline: “Stock market hits highest level since 2007.”
News Headline: “Donald Trump calls Obama ‘incompetent.’ “
Well, if the first and second are true, Trump may have a point.

From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ Mitt Romney asked the candidates on his vice-presidential short list for 10 years of tax returns.
+ Casanova was a librarian.

News Headline: “Naked, knife-wielding woman stabs a car in a Florida carwash.”
There is probably an interesting story behind that.

Today’s Birthdays: Prefrontal Lobotomy, 66; “Entertainment Tonight,” 31.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “On foreign policy, Romney promises Bush redux.”
News Headline: “Will the future Apple TV be TiVo redux?”
M.P., a New Orleans reader, regarding QT’s noting the overuse of the suffix “-onomics,” wants you to know that everywhere he looks, it is a case of redux again, or redux redux.
Oh. And QT forgot one headline:
News Headline: “FDR-onomics redux.”
That is our lesson for today in overused expressions-ology.

Write to QT at qt@wbez.org
QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.