Hello. I am Wolfgang Van Halen. The record company told me to come down here and try to promote the album, which comes out next week. What’s up middle-class idiots! It’s me, Wolfgang Van Halen. I can tell some of you Sufjan Stevening’s listening poor people don’t know who I am. I’m the first-born son of American-born music god Eddie Van Halen. He’s my daddy.
I’m Van Halen’s newest bassist. I bet you’re all wondering, “How did someone so young rise to the top of such an amazing American rock band?” Well I remember how it happened. I had just gotten off my ATV after hunting giraffes on the Van Halen compound in central Florida, when I heard my daddy screaming on the phone. He was saying, “What do you mean ROYALTIES?! I am royalty, you piece of sh**! You’re out of the band!” Then he threw the cordless phone across the room, hitting our free-roaming hyena in our house.
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